My Very First Mother’s Day as a Mom

It’s almost Mother’s Day.  There are a lot of those pesky feelings cropping up.  Such as – I AM RESPONSIBLE.  Like, REALLY RESPONSIBLE for these two beings.  Who the hell made that decision?  I did.  Which means I have to really be responsible for myself or these babies are screwed.  There was a long stretch there where I sincerely never thought I would live to see 30.  And that was just fine by me as I really had nothing to live for anyway.  All that changed when I got sober and chose life and hope and me.  Now, all these years later when these two beings come into existence, I am responsible.  That’s simultaneously terrifying and empowering and terrifying all at once.  I still really cannot grasp that I am somebody’s mom. Let alone two somebody’s.

Responsibility is different from control though.  I realize full well that I have no control over anybody except myself.  Let’s be honest, sometimes I can’t even control myself.

It’s the day we feared might not come.  But it’s here.  I’m living through my very first Mother’s Day as a mom.  I’ve mentioned before that we found out we were pregnant after going through IVF on Mother’s Day last year.  So if you choose to believe it, I was a mother last year, right?

People keep saying, trying to be encouraging I know, that now I really have a reason to stay sober.  Well, that is very true.  However, I wouldn’t have gotten to this place if I hadn’t stayed sober.  It’s like the chicken or the egg, except that sobriety ALWAYS comes first.  As in, I don’t GET ALL THE THINGS – hope, love and life – if I’m not sober.  And if I’m not sober, I certainly don’t get to be a mom.   I know that if I don’t choose sobriety every single day, I screw over my family.  This is a big responsibility.  It carries fundamental weight now that I am responsible for two little humans.

Last year, I wrote a guest post about Mothers and Daughters about my little mama.  Please take a second to click on that link and read it.  It’s a really good one I’m quite proud of.

It’s amazing to read that and think about all that has changed in a year.  I think I might always think of Mother’s Day in terms of my mom versus me as a mom.  I don’t know.  Never say never, right?

My parents and baby Katy circa 1973.  They are so fly aren’t they?  Beautiful.

I realize now when I was giving up on myself what that must have done to my mom.  All she did for me and all the love she gave was just thrown away by me.  I was throwing away so many years of hard work and love and hope and patience on her part.  I was saying “screw you I am choosing to off myself here and there’s nothing you can do about it”.  I cannot bear what that must have done to her.  And so I write a lot about her and my living amends to her.  Staying sober and being the best daughter and woman I can be is how I make it up to her.  And now, she gets to see me being a mom.   Hopefully a good mom in her eyes and from what she’s told me so far, she is so proud of me.  And that is really the best Mother’s Day gift I could ever receive from anyone.

This first Mother’s Day where I am a mom, I am feeling all the feelings.  I am scared.  What mom isn’t?  But above all I am honored.  I am grateful I get to be a mom.  It is truly the most important thing I’ve ever done besides getting sober.  I don’t take it for granted for one second that I get this life.  I am a mom.  I AM A MOM. I am signed on for life but I can only do it one day at a time.  If I make the right choices for myself, hopefully I can make good choices for these babies.  Terrifying – yes.  But so damn exciting and wonderful and messy and lovely too.  And to think I was so close to throwing it all away before it all even began.  I had no idea what was in store for me, and I still don’t, but I am STRAPPING MYSELF IN  and ready for the ride.  As ready as we can be, right?

I am so lucky to have fantastic mothers in my life. My Mom, my Mother-in-Law, my Sister-in-Law, so many friends and other relatives who show me daily what it means to be a good and loving mom all while maintaining their humor and sanity.  I am grateful to all of them for their wisdom and funny.  I watch and I learn.  So to all of you I say a giant THANK YOU.

Lastly, there are many women out there who are not currently mothers who desperately want to be mothers.  And I know this day is incredibly difficult for you.  I still feel like I am among you and will always know that ache.  Even though I have babies now, I will always know that ache.  Just like I keep my past close about being a drunk, I keep my past close about not being able to get pregnant.  I want to always remember and be grateful.  I wish you love and light and peace.  I love and respect you.


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