These Babies Have Stolen My Dignity

There was a post on a popular Twins site the other day saying something like, “Have your multiples ever stolen something they weren’t supposed to?” Of course my immediate answer was, “they’ve stolen my dignity.”

Contrary to what you might think, I wasn’t always the HEY LET ME FLASH YOU MY BEWBIES gal that I am today.  I was once a prideful, covered up, non-bewbie showing lady.

Here’s what I mean.  A couple days ago, the babies and I went down by the lake and walked around for a while when all hell broke loose.  I think it was the sunshine, which we haven’t had a lot of lately, and the wind off the lake that got to them, because I can’t think of why else they were acting like such demented lunatics as we had all just eaten not that long ago.  So, we popped a squat under a tree and the feeding frenzy began. One on my lap at a boob and one with a bottle.  The people close by got an eyeful I’m sure.  Because you can’t very well cover everything while trying to feed 2 babies by yourself.  It’s just not possible.  THERE WILL BE LEAKAGE.  In more ways than one.


I am not exaggerating when I say these two babies should be on a Snickers commercial for the before and after comparison of being insane stupid little jerkballs to the sweetest cutest most attentive little cuties you’ve ever seen.  When they both get going at the same time, NOTHING IS OFF LIMITS and BEWBIES ARE FLYING EVERYWHERE.

Before I had these babies I wasn’t ever going to post about feeding.  Breast feeding or not, it’s such a heated topic and I didn’t want to deal with the backlash.  I still don’t.  But I write about it because it’s a big part of my life, the feeding.  AND, it’s funny as shit, so I’m writing about it a lot.  HOWEVER, I have zero judgment about how you feed your baby.  He’s YOUR BABY and we all do the best we can.  END OF STORY.  I just write my experience and my funny so that’s all there is to it.

Anyway, back to the story, later on that same day we were walking around a little neighborhood main street with my Sister in Law, and I had to feed right on a main corner on a bench.   GAWD BABIES ARE DEMANDING.  They want to eat like, every few hours and GUESS WHAT?  They expect ME to feed them!  This neighborhood happens to be highly gay and very open minded, but still, I was a bit mortified that I was doing this right out in public even though I had my little cloth over us.  I’m very careful to look around and see who’s in eyesight, I really don’t want to make people uncomfortable. I’m not one of those, HEY IT IS NATURAL, GET OVER IT kind of gals.  I breastfeed, but I don’t believe I have to throw it in people’s face, ya know?  We also are out in public a lot because we need to get out and I’m not going to stay home all the time just because we are breastfeeding.

Now, I know, I KNOW some of you will say, “that’s nothin’, I have breastfed in front of millions of people and they were all wired for sound and blah blah blah….” about all the crazy places you have done it.  But this is my story and for me, it’s still taking some getting used to.  Maybe one day I will be like you who can whip it out in a crowded public place and not care what anybody thinks, but for today I am still boob-shy.

And that’s just one aspect of dignity gone.  The I WILL DO ANYTHING to make my child stop crying is neverending.  The lengths and the stupidity we go to is astounding.  Now, to be fair, I was pretty damn ridiculous BEFORE I had babies, so for me, it’s not that much of a stretch to do some comedic Jack Tripper acts to get my babies to laugh.  The funny voices, the pratfalls, the dancing, they were  all in the arsenal before, it’s just that now they actually have a practical purpose,

It’s happening fast too, this loss of dignity.  I am now happy if my right shoulder doesn’t have spit up all over it when I get dressed.  And if it’s dried up and not all that visible, we are in fashionista mode.  EXCUSE ME, MISS FANCYPANTS.  There once was a time, like a mere 4 months ago, when I thought having a clean right shoulder wasn’t a luxury.   SILLY ME.

I now have pee in my lap on a regular basis.  AND IT’S NOT MINE. 

“Hey Katy, your hair looks great!  Are you using a new product?”
Dried chunky spit up, anyone?

“And that perfume?  What is that?”
Breast milk works wonders as an aphrodisiac.

“QUIT CHOMPING ON MY NIPPLE YOU NAUGHTY MONKEY” might once have been something risque to yell out during sexy time, but not anymore.  Dignity is lost.

As all you parents and caretakers out there know, you will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get the babies to stop crying.  And when you’re out in public among other humans, you are even more desperate so that people don’t think you’re pinching those babies and inflicting harm and calling authorities on your desperate ass…..remaining calm is key.  HA!

I worked very hard to regain my lost dignity from years of being an active alcoholic, as it used to be my dried up puke and pee on myself.  It used to be me wailing like a lunatic.  I finally gained that pride and dignity back after 11 years of sobriety – almost.  But now a whole different kind of dignity has been lost. I am kind of proud of this loss of dignity if that makes any sense.  The ability to do anything you have to in order to take care of your babies is a source of pride now.   I’ve lost my dignity yet again in this life, but this time I’m loving every second of it.   Even the really harried, messy, sweaty, milk filled moments of dignity loss.  I wouldn’t change one moment of any of this glamour.

Excuse me while I condition my hair once more.  Wait, that’s not conditioner?



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