Keep Living Until You Feel Alive Again

I look at my social media memories every morning as part of my checks –

  • Email – Check
  • Facebook – Check
  • Twitter – Check
  • Instagram – Check
  • Neko Atsume – MAN THOSE CATS MUST BE HUNGRY – Check
  • Kids – throw some cereal their way – CHECK

Today I looked and saw this –

IMG_2787

As someone who’s forgotten large chunks of my past, this freaks me out.  I hadn’t realized how I have come to depend on social media to remind me of my past.  Sometimes the memories are hard to take and sometimes they are full of joy.

For the first time in my life (that I can remember), I paid absolutely no attention to the Oscars last night.  Not the fashion, not the show, not the tweets.  Instead, my husband and I were in bed at 8:30pm.  I watched one episode of Call the Midwife, because HAVE YOU WATCHED THIS LOVELY SHOW OH MY GOD so lovely and addictive and altogether reassuring and beautiful.

My point is, that things really do change.  People really can change.  I am not the same person I was even four years ago – on the last Leap Year.

Four years ago, I was just beginning fertility treatments, going into IVF.  Maybe that’s why I wasn’t posting a lot back then.

I remember it being a time of enormous fear of the unknown.  I remember completely retreating from life as much as I could, my singular focus was these treatments and my behavior so erratic, I didn’t want to impose myself on others.  I remember absolutely freaking out and having a panic attack after a meeting at the hospital before we started any treatments.  MY POOR HUSBAND.  I hadn’t really started feeling any hope yet as I was just so scared of what this whole process would mean for my body.  For my overall well being.  For the baby?  OH MY GOD WHAT WOULD WE DO TO A BABY?

What if we spent all that money, went through all that agony – the shots, the doctor visits, the hormones, ALL THE DAMN EMOTIONS and it didn’t work?  What then?

But then WHAT IF IT WORKED?

At that point four years ago, both outcomes were equally terrifying.

Maybe that’s why I wasn’t posting very much on this day four years ago.

So while I remember how awful, terrifying, scary and altogether fearful we were four years ago today, I also remember the fact that we were trying this thing together.  And while we had absolutely no control over the outcome, we had each other and I had  a husband who was cheering me on and giving me that tiny glimmer of hope that I needed to dive in fully and take a leap with him.

The hormones and thoughts of “what if” and all the unknowns had me incredibly low.  One of the lowest points of my life, and that’s saying something.  It’s not to be toyed with, these shots and hormones and all the longings and desires of a woman.  It’s to be taken very seriously, and while my go to is to joke about it and make it less than, I’d say pre-pregnancy can be as bad as pregnancy and post-partum.  

Who could have ever predicted where we would be today.  These two little people that came about from all those terrifying moments, well, they are perfect in every way.  We still don’t know what the hell we are doing, but who does, really.  All I know is, we have each other and we keep going forward one day at a time, together.

In four years, my social media memories will show this post and I will remember.  Because today is so so so very good.  Out of the bone crushing fear, good can rise up.

For those of you struggling or hurting or fearing what will be….we just really never know what life will bring us.  But we carry on, don’t we?

We keep living.

A magnificent quote from last night’s Call the Midwife –

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“You will feel better than this. Maybe not yet. But you will. You just keep living, until you’re alive again.”

I am with you.  I am holding you close.  I understand.  I will always walk among you.  Even afterwards.   Because sure as life looks pretty damn good these days, I know a storm is always on the horizon.  Just off the shore, waiting.  Waiting patiently.  And we have to be ready, we have to hold each other close.  We have to keep living.

 

See Also:

Can people really change?

All kinds of posts about the fears of infertility and hope

The Girl on the Train Made Me Remember

Don’t forget this

 

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