My dear sweet husband and I are house hunting. GET OUT. No you get out. I KNOW. Crazy, right?
Now, while it’s terribly exciting to think of living somewhere that actually allows my babes more than a few feet to circle like caged beasts, it’s also terrifying and stressful and panic inducing. SO, while my dear sweet husband asks well-thought-out important questions, I need to cut the tension with some very important tips and questions of my own.
Are you ready to find your dream home? Get your game face on, and let’s GO.
- Do you have anything in a Mike Brady original?
- What can I get for $200?
- $251? But not a penny higher. FINAL OFFER.
- Have you ever been doing a showing and had anyone jump out of a closet naked to scare you?
- Have YOU ever jumped out of a closet naked to scare anyone while doing a showing? Could you do it now? We just want to try it out to see what it will be like when we do it. For parties.
- Now, is this included with the house? Because if so, YOU’VE GOT A DEAL.
- How many babies will this closet hold? Now, what about the crawl space?”
- Where is the reptile dining area?
- I TOLD YOU TO NEVER SHOW ME ANYTHING BROWN.
- How many people have died here?
- How many people will die here? Make sure you wink at him continually after asking that question and stay silent until you get an answer.
- I will not settle for anything less than a bidet in every room. IN EVERY ROOM.
- When will the moat be finished?
- Continually throughout your visit, repeat, “Where is that make-up girl? I DESPERATELY NEED MORE PANCAKE. And you could use some too, honey. You’ve stumbled into some bad lighting.”
- OK, $274.50. FINAL FINAL OFFER. Take it to the bank.
Fortunately, our Realtor is up for playing along. So far.
GOOD LUCK EVERYBODY!
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Too Sober For This 