That would be a great band name. Felicity’s Haircut. Let me write that down. I am re-watching Felicity on Netflix right now while feeding and pumping and folding laundry and such because it’s good background and I don’t have to pay absolute attention as I can’t really do that with any show right now – except Mad Men, because I will cut a baby if they interrupt my Mad Men. Basically, it’s on pause more than it’s actually on and it takes about 4 hours to get through one episode, but damn, I love this life of babies and home tending as I’ve never had this because I’ve always gone outside the home to work. And I’m enjoying the hell out of it until I go back to work (OUTSIDE THE HOME because this work I do at home right now is just as difficult as what I do at my regular paying job – KUDOS to you stay at home moms!) on June 17th.
Anyway, the year was 1999. AND FELICITY CHOPPED OFF HER HAIR. We all remember the trauma right? Like she betrayed all of us by doing it but yet we all like, YEAH YOU GO GIRL GRAB YOUR INDEPENDENCE AND LADY BALLS AND RUN WITH IT AND WHO CARES WHAT ANYBODY SAYS! Right? I mean, I have chopped off my hair many times and always regretted it, but at the time it seemed a great statement to myself and the world that I was really in control and didn’t care what any man thought. The difference is I look like crap with short hair and couldn’t accept it. There I go digressing again……
The year was 1999 and I had graduated college in 1995 (don’t ask me how, I still don’t believe I really did and have to look at my diploma to prove it but I lost my diploma in a bad break up where I left half my shit and oh my god I need to get that shit back but no I just have to let it go) and this show is so EMOTIONAL AND ANGSTY and to 18-21 year olds THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT SHIT WE WILL EVER GO THROUGH AND LET’S ANALYZE and ANALYZE SOME MORE shit we all went through and I related to it as many of us did back then. To watch it now is just kind of mind blowing at the stuff we thought was so important when we were young. And to be fair, it was important to us then. We didn’t know any different as we thought we knew everything back then. We had all the answers and couldn’t possibly ever go through anything that would make us question our deep fundamental beliefs at 19 years old. GOD WE WERE STUPID. We just didn’t know it. How could we? Life was just beginning.
I would not ever want to go back there. First of all there was no technology. I mean there were no cell phones BUT THEY HAD PAGERS. How stupid were pagers, right? The butterfly clips and big huge bows on barrettes in the hair and half shirts and clunky heels. I lived with the same 3 girls all four years of college and DAMN WE ROCKED THOSE MOM JEANS WITH THE BELTS.
LOOK AT THAT! This was in the dorm circa 1996 maybe and we were ready to go out to a house party where a cup was 3 bucks and we could drink ALL THE CHEAP ASS TERRIBLE BEER!
Those half shirts (well I was never so flat tummied that I could rock a half shirt, but I saw it happening) and small backpack purses, you know what I am talking about. The answering machines, OH MY GODS, how the outgoing messages were such a big deal with music and trying to be funny so we rehearsed and wrote out what we would say and recording them 85 times until they were just right and everybody had to be quiet in the hall so we could do it right and DON’T FUCK IT UP, remember that?
Anyway, watching Felicity makes me remember. It takes me right back. I was a super asshole in college and made bad decisions and judged people and hurt people and really let people use me and hurt me and all that. As we do. And I let it all get to me. After I graduated I continued that poor behavior and I got really really fucked up and went to a dark dark place. Drinking just let me not deal with any of those feelings. So I drank. And drank and drank and drank.
I was floundering. After college I went on a downward spiral of bad shit. The worst years of my life were 1995 to 2001. I got sober in 2001 and it still took a few years to get better, but at least I was sober. The work was just beginning though. The sickest part is I thought I was happy go lucky back then, that’s what I told myself. I had no idea why I was so restless and couldn’t accept where I was and kept seeking more and more and more from people around me and nobody could give me the love that I needed so badly because I didn’t like myself at all. SO I DRANK. The things I was doing when I was active in my alcoholism are reprehensible. I know that now but at the time, I had no idea. Only when I surrendered and admitted I knew nothing for sure except that I needed help and hope, did I get an ounce of peace.
As I said, I lived with the same 3 girls all through college. OH MY GOD THE DRAMA. But we also really had some great times. We were all so different and from different backgrounds and studying different things and yet we had a connection. We still do. It took some of us (ahem, me) some time and sobriety to get that back but we’ve all come back together and when we look at it now we all know we were young and nobody should be judged on who they were at 18 to 21. I thought for years I was the worst and when I made amends they all said NO WAY and they were all gracious and happy I got my shit together. They had their own shit. It wasn’t all about me. WHAT? HOW DARE THEY HAVE THEIR OWN SHIT. It’s all about me right?
This life is hard. But that hard life of not having any peace or comfort or hope was the worst. No matter what happens today I know I will be OK. I didn’t know that back then. I will be 40 this summer and I’ve never felt so good in my own skin. Baby weight and all, THIS is who and where I wanted to be all along. I’ve never known less for sure, and it’s a beautiful feeling. Peaceful, calming gratitude. Only life experience and surrender and hard work can get you there. I’m still working on all of it. Happily.
Now, do you think I should cut my hair?
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Too Sober For This 