There is so much I cannot control but an apple a day is a thing I can do

2017 was a year of righteous anger. I don’t say that often because in a program of recovery, we aren’t supposed to say we indulge in anger. We are told it can harm our recovery. But I’ll tell you my recovery has been CHALLENGED this year and my righteous anger helped me get through it.

I cannot lie down and take this dumpster fire of an administration and all it’s destruction. I am FURIOUS. But I am still incredibly hopeful, as I’ve never in my life watched people collectively use their voices (in any form) to resist and come together. It seems when the goal was to divide us, we’ve become stronger. I feel confident that the collective we is more powerful than the dark side. We care about each other. We care too much. We care the appropriate amount. I will fight for you and I see you fighting for me. We care about the future generations, we care about us. I found a voice in 2017 that I didn’t know I had.  It manifested in the way I present myself to the world, to my kids, and I will absolutely continue to embrace that version of myself. For this I am thankful.

I’ve gained wrinkles and weight this year. I can’t drink, so I ate. And I worried and got angry.  I listened. Then I listened more. I keep listening and not “but but but-ing” when people were telling me their experiences. Then I tried to turn that energy into words and action. I will continue to do that in 2018 and hopefully for the rest of my life. I’m incredibly grateful that so many of us have had this same awakening this year as it can only serve us well. I am thankful to walk among you. As we begin a new year, we’ve all gained much knowledge and empathy and had many wake up calls and know that we need to remain firm in our resolve to carry on in love and hope, sprinkled with anger and resistance.

I cannot control what’s popular in fashion or music, but I bid on and won a pair of pewter doc marten boots on ebay, my hoops keep getting bigger, and I’m wearing lipstick named chocolate something. I’ve lost all track of days and decades apparently. The lipstick is Wet n Wild because it’s 1995. I can control what feels good and what feels good are Pewter Doc Martens and stretchy pants and flowery skirts with short bleached hair.

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It is possible to feel so many feelings all at once, and this year I feel them all. Depression, anger, anxiety, gratitude, joy.  So much joy. I can be laughing and loving on my kids and still feel outrage at how people of color are treated today. In 2018. It makes me FURIOUS. I fully recognize my privilege. And yet I can still feel joy. I’m allowing myself to feel all these feelings and not punish myself for feeling any of them.

I am in recovery after this incredibly trying year when so many have gone back out or not made it at all. That is the on-going miracle. I see all of you wherever you are on your path. I am always holding space for you.

I am thankful for the bumpy, vomit-inducing, raucous laughter producing roller-coaster ride my husband and I take each day, and yet we keep asking for another go round. I am incredibly thankful for all the moments I’ve had with my kids this year, with my incredible job and all it affords me in time, identity, and financial independence. I get to spend so much more time with my kids than I ever thought I would being a working mom, and I’m thankful every second I’m with them for that. Without writing, I would be lost. Thank you for reading my words. Maybe 2018 is the year I finally finally get serious about this book I’m writing.

My husband took the kids out to breakfast so I could write this. I’m going to go make myself some breakfast now. There is so much I cannot control but an apple a day is a thing I can do. If I look at each little act I perform each day in this way, one thing at a time, it makes me feel as if I can make some change.  I cannot get too far ahead of myself or the gloom and doom will win out. I cannot let that happen – you cannot let that happen. Even if it’s repetitive and seemingly unimportant and boring, I can control some things. An apple a day is a good starting place.

Happy New Year, my friends.  We are in this together, don’t you forget that. I’m so thankful you are here. I wish you health, joy, wealth of spirit and the ability to feel all the feelings.

 

Related:

Do it anyway – listening to that still small voice

Smack in the middle of the fuck-it-forties

What does a whore look like

Things I want my daughter to know as we smash the patriarchy

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