Walking past a dance studio this evening, my 4 year old boy says, “well we don’t have to take any more dance classes because we already have the sweet moves.” Oh to have the confidence of a four year old.
I won’t tell you how when the kids are at school I often have a dance party alone in my kitchen to Chance the Rapper and continue it along the three block walk to school to pick them up as my earbuds pump loudly enough for me to forget I am a 44 year old woman walking in clogs down the street. I won’t tell you today I got straight up busted by another mom who was yelling at me from her car as I busted out some of my own sweet moves while belting out a song I have no business belting out at 11:30am on weekday.
But then I did just tell you. Because my god this world is taking every swing and gut punch it can right now and we need to keep doing the things that make us feel healthy and alive and just ok for just a few minutes at a time.
If you are sober, be thankful. If you are alive, be thankful. There are no guarantees. A friend put this out there yesterday and I see every day that there is so much pain everywhere that the joy we can grab must save us any way we can get it and then we MUST pass it on. We must be kind. We must be kind. It isn’t weakness. In the face of such evil forces among us, it is powerful and grace filled and that is stronger than hate and even indifference.
Now, back to these sweet dance moves. Nearsightedness and sweet dance moves save me every day. That may sound ridiculous, but then, look at me.
This is how I go out in public. You shouldn’t listen to anything I have to say, but I’ll say it anyway. I’m not telling you to dance in the rain or any of that because come on, but I am saying that dancing and loud music help. As do glasses.
I am nearsighted. That means I can see well close up but not far away. I need help to see distances.
I feel like I am nearsighted in my life as far as being able to put one foot in front of the other on a daily basis, but having absolutely no clue what the future holds and how it will all unfold. That’s terrifying and comforting all at once.
In my nearsightedness I can see that today we were home all day and played board games in the basement while Christmas music played quietly in the background. I can see that we had food to eat and clean water to drink and warm tea as a treat and a heater down there with us and blankets to keep us cozy. Us. We had us.
In my nearsightedness I can see that we go for decoration walks for the hundredth time and stop to get coffee and donuts and it is enough to make us truly happy today. It is enough.
In my nearsightedness I am able to play the tape out when a drink seems like a good idea. When old behaviors rear their ugly heads and I want to respond with vitriol, I can pause. I won’t lose everything today. NOT TODAY SATAN. Never underestimate the power of the pause.
In my nearsightedness I can know without a shadow of a doubt that kids don’t remember presents as well as they remember experiences and the feelings evoked when they look back on their holidays.
In my nearsightedness I can know the future is going to be a flaming dumpster fire, but maybe one day it won’t be quite so thick with smoke and we can do the best we can in this ONE DAY to help instead of harm.
In my nearsightedness I don’t have to have all the answers. Hell, I don’t want to have all the answers. How boring would that be. I do know that if I suit up and show up I get to live my best life today. Just for today.
In my nearsightedness I get to see this.
One of my favorite things they do. Twins, man.
Life is so shitty and so damn good all at once. For all this I am thankful. For feeling all these gd feelings, I am grateful.
Find the stuff nearby that is good and really look closely. Don’t lose focus and look too far ahead.
Learning how to hurt and then how to heal at age 4 and 44
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