My kids have been having their fair share of bad dreams lately, which basically means they both (because how could it be only one) pad down to our room in the middle of the night and get in our bed for a few minutes until they feel better and then climb back up the stairs to their room to go right back to sleep. They don’t often remember what they’ve dreamt about, or at least aren’t able to articulate it, so we just leave it alone unless they bring it up and want to talk about it.
My girl has recently taken to seeing something she finds particularly pleasing to her and saying, “I am taping the good parts so that I can dream about them later”.
We do our fair share of talking about gratitude around this house (shocking I know), but as with bad dreams, sometimes they cannot articulate what they are grateful for right in that moment. But this taping the good parts thing – I think she’s on to something.
I’m doing a lot of taping lately, like dropping them off at school and hearing nary a word of complaint from either one. I swear when we walk to that building, it feels like getting a big hug stepping in the door. We get to be involved in the school and go to an orientation tonight and who the hell do I think I am? They seem happy and they are together and while I know they will have their struggles and other kids will too, I’m so filled with hope for them this year.
The Fall skies. As so many parts of the world is burning or flooding or being destroyed in ways that we cannot comprehend – here in the midwest, I’m taping these cooler, breezy September days. There is nothing like a September sky. A friend told me this morning she notices the sky more after being with me last weekend and that’s about the best thing I could hear.
This past year has ripped me to shreds and continues to do just that, but for some reason on this past birthday, I decided it was time to shake things up. Haircut, color, clogs, fuck it forties attitude in new effect. I am unabashedly feeling myself. Self love/self care is a choice I am conscious of making every day, not just to model for my kids, but to just love my damn self.
Nikki and the kids planted their own little kid garden this year out in the alley and it is flourishing right now. From nothing but seeds, dirt, sunshine and water – just behold what can happen. I am in awe.
As ever, I’m just so grateful I get to be here. To be their mama. To walk through this world on a crisp fall day and look up at that sky and give thanks that I get to be here. I get to experience all this. While feeling great pain, we can reap great joy.
I have family near and far that I get to rely on and they on me and while I miss my family – physical pain in my heart level missing – being so far away, the time we get together is that much more precious.
I am so grateful I get to feel all these feelings. The crying, the non-stop crying – ALL I DO IS CRY – with joyful tears and tears ravaged for all the pain in the world around me, I am so thankful I get to feel it all. Not numb it out with alcohol or self-destructive behavior. I choose to feel today, and some days that is really really hard, but mostly, even the pain brings me to gratitude.
Now, about that September sky….
I am taping the good parts so that I can dream about them later.
Related:
It is my honor and privilege to buy school supplies
Smack in the middle of the Fuck-it-Forties
The pain we carry while reaping great joy
Because Life is sad, we buy tiny bottles of lotion
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Too Sober For This 