Finding the Light of the Sun

One more day.  Just today.  That’s all we have.  This 24 hours will be gone before we know it and what will we have done?

That damn sun comes out every morning.  We may not see it, but it’s still there.  It sounds trite and cliche, but it’s a fact.   No matter what is happening in the world, no matter what is going down to hurt people, to harm people, to demean people, that sun is still coming out without fail.

There are days it wants to hide.  To run away.  To fail to show up, and yet, and yet….when it does come out and shine on us, ain’t it grand?

That damn sun.  It keeps rising.  And as much as we may not want to also rise, we must.  Because if we don’t, who will?

It’s in watching our kids make friends at school.  It’s in learning a new skill that we didn’t believe we could master.  It’s in a job well done and just knowing it for ourselves.  It’s in admitting we need help.  It’s in helping someone who didn’t ask for help but really needs it.  It’s in just sitting with someone as they cry. It’s in giving and receiving kindness in big and small ways.

Continuing to figure out what I can control and what I have little control over helps me remain sane.  Every time I feel lost and sad and defeated I try to get outside myself.  Helping someone else is a surefire way to chase my blues away.

But some things are bigger than blues.  Some depressions and anxieties are so deep we need to get extra help.  Sobriety and recovery feels extra hard some days.  Please reach for that help.  You are stronger than you realize if you reach for help.  In no way is that weakness.

Even when it’s cloudy, rainy, gloomy, doomy, that sun is still there.

I won’t tell you that if I can do this, you can do this, but I will say that I speak from every day experience that if we share this load, it is lighter.  It loses it’s power.

I won’t tell you it gets better, because sometimes it doesn’t.  Or it takes a hell of a long time.  I won’t say this too shall pass, even though it always always does.  In some way, it all passes.  But it’s not helpful right now now, I know.

Yes, you can have a great life and people that love you and you love harder than you ever thought possible – like heartbreakingly deep hard love – and yet, that light can still be elusive.

Every morning I have this battle.  This woe is me, what is the point, everything is terrible battle.  But then I think for just a moment of what could be.  That I shouldn’t even be here by all accounts and yet here I am and I’ll be damned if I’m going to waste this chance.  And just look at this incredible life I’ve been given opportunity for and grabbed on with all my might.  I don’t want to miss this.

Finding the light of the sun is my battle.  And I choose today to keep fighting.  If you are fighting to find the light, please know you don’t need to do it perfectly or even joyfully.  You just need to keep doing it.  And know there are so many of us out here struggling every day to find the light too.

Just tell me you’ll keep finding the light.  In big and small ways, it’s all around us every day.  Amidst all the tragedy and dysfunction and sadness, there is so much light and beauty and good in this world, it is astounding.  We just need to shift our misleading brains around a bit to find it sometimes.  I’m committed.  Today I don’t need to be committed, but I know what that feels like too.  I don’t want to go back there.  Psych wards and rehabs and jail are no place for me today.  But I’m thankful today for my time spent there.  I had to be lost in the darkness to make my way to the light.  I want to stay in the light so I will keep my face up as much as I can.  Even when it’s blinding and makes me swear.

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I have so much to be grateful for.  All I have to do is look up.  There are so many of us hurting and looking for the light.  We are trudging this happy road of destiny together.  It’s entirely comforting, isn’t it?

On days when sobriety is really hard

Do not kill yourself

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