You thought the election hurt relationships? Try telling people you don’t do that damn Elf on the Shelf

Before you start chasing me with pitchforks and torches, let me just say this isn’t your typical, YOU SHOULDN’T DO THIS or STOP DOING THIS post.  Aren’t there enough of those out there for like, 800 lifetimes? Emphatically I say it again, unless you are harming yourself or others are under duress because of what you are doing, YOU DO YOU.  I don’t give a rip.  If it is bringing you or somebody else joy, DO IT BABY.


Hi.  My name is Katy and I don’t do that damn elf.  Not for any high moral reasons, I just find him creepy and annoying and time consuming.  I’m pretty lazy when it comes to going above and beyond the everyday magic that is Christmastime.  I mean, it’s freaking beautiful out there right now if you are a kid or an adult with hope and I’m soaking up every second of it.

Right now, at almost 4 years old, these kids are just the most fun. I know I say that about every age, but it’s true! I scoop them up every chance I get and we go on decoration walks or look at lights or go to see Santa at all the free Park District events and do all the crafts and wish all the wishes and give away our gently used toys and clothes and canned goods and WE BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS.  I am all in, baby.

All that said, let me walk you through how some of my conversations have gone about this elf.

It starts out innocently enough with some folks joking or talking about the damn elf, and when they look at me for my input (instead of listening to my gut telling me ABORT ABORT ABORT), I simply say, “Oh I don’t do that Elf thing.”

After the initial disbelief subsides, I’m usually presented with some version of trying to make me feel badly for not doing the elf for whatever reason and I end it saying, “OK COOL.  You do it and that’s great, but I’m not doing it” and then our relationship is forever altered because you thought the election hurt relationships? Try telling people you don’t do that damn Elf on the Shelf.

LISTEN LINDA.  I am fully capable of providing my kids with holiday cheer without this gd elf.  I don’t need to defend my reasons or bash you for doing it.  LIKE WHAT YOU LIKE.  Just don’t come down on me for not liking it too. Cool?

I liken it to when someone finds out I don’t eat meat.  It’s usually when I’m asked and I very simply say, “I don’t eat meat” and then a whole litany of BUT BUT BUT BACON IS SO DELICIOUS is hurled my way and teasing me for it.  Like, dude.  Why is it even an issue for you?  I’m not telling you not to do it.  I’m saying I don’t eat meat.  Period.  There’s always something around I CAN and DO eat and clearly I’m not wasting away, so mind your business.

I mean, I have enough to worry about with sneaking up at night when these angels (they’re always angels when they’re asleep) are sleeping to make sure the heat and humidifier in their room is adjusted right.  I have nightmares that they are sweating and drowning in there because I didn’t check on it one last time.  You think I can be trusted to elf every damn night?

You like that damn Elf?  FANTASTIC.  Do it.  Post pictures and videos and get really creative.  Go crazy.  Hey, I post a lot and know I can be a little, shall we say over the top, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it if I feel so inclined. We can always unfollow, friends.  It takes but a moment to just scroll on by or to keep my mouth shut when somebody is talking about these elves.  Because we should be free to like what we like.  I won’t bash you for elffing if you don’t bash me for not elffing.  Let’s enjoy things.  Remember when we used to be able to enjoy things?  Or NOT enjoy things?

I’m taking in holiday cheer this year as if my life depends on it, because it kind of does.  I’m trying my best not to steal people’s joy.  Grab some joy. Give some joy.  Or at least try to do no harm.  I’m wrapping up hope and giving it away as gifts.  YOU GET SOME HOPE AND YOU GET SOME HOPE AND YOU GET SOME HOPE!

Christmas with kids is magic.  It’s full of wonder and joy and hope and excitement just because it’s Christmas.  I never knew how much fun this could all be until they came along.  Or I had forgotten what it was like.  With hope there are second chances.  I’ve been given that second chance and I don’t want to waste it on caring too much about things that just don’t matter.

And to share my holiday cheer, I give you a couple 3-year-olds I know dancing in front of the Prince Christmas extravaganza that exists at Engel and Belle Plaine in Park Ridge, Illinois.

OK, NOW you can start chasing me with pitchforks and torches.

Depressed?  Hallmark Holiday Movie Bingo will cheer you right up!

How to stay happy joyous and free during the holidays

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