Years ago I was SURE that I didn’t want kids. NEVER. NEVER EVER EVER.* I didn’t have a motherly instinct. I certainly didn’t want to bring another life into the world that I could screw up.
I was also in a series of relationships that made me question everything about myself and wonder why anyone would feel compelled to want to do all the hard work required of raising kids. It certainly didn’t seem like much fun.
Looking back now, I’m thankful I was so adamant about not wanting kids. Not then. That girl was not ready. I also feel foolish because as as a young person I was so sure of what I wanted and didn’t want and my life has turned out so differently than I ever expected it would. For the better.
I couldn’t and didn’t want to really take responsibility for myself so why in the world would I want a kid that I was responsible for as well?
WHY.
Well, cut to a few years later after being on my own for a bit and doing some hard soul searching work along with entering a solid, loving, FUN, healthy relationship and BAM. BABY FEVER.
More on that in a moment.
Since about college, I’ve really loved thrift store shopping. The thrill of the hunt. Getting lost for hours at a time in the racks finding that one piece that somebody missed and was just your size and truly vintage. It’s better than winning the lottery. I mean, I don’t know that as I’ve never won the lottery, but you feel me. It’s a high. And we all know I take any high I can get these days that isn’t mind altering.
Thrift store shopping, when you have the luxury of time to sort through all the muck, can yield the most fruitful results. Some of my most treasured items are from years of thrifting.
Including this horror show.
Oh how I laughed when I found these. How I chuckled at the almost creepy looks on their faces and the deranged little smiles.
When I found these it was right after I got sober – probably 2002 when I was living in the women’s halfway house – and I grabbed them on a whim. They seemed like creepy little funny kids. TWINS MAYBE. Kitschy. That’s what I love about thrifting. You can find shit you can’t find anywhere else and it’s usually one of a kind.
I have no idea what the story behind these earrings really is, but I’ve held onto them. I’m not very materially sentimental. I’ve held onto them all these years when I have basically given away or lost everything else I’ve owned from back then and started again. I’ve lived about 3 lifetimes since I found these earrings.
Cut back to having the baby fever several years ago with the love of my life and then of course when we did really want a kid, well, we had some difficulties.
I would often wish I would happen upon a baby at a thrift store just sitting on one of the shelves, like, “hey lady, here I am. I’m half off today because it’s green sticker day. HI HI HI.”
Several lifetimes later and I am now quite confident in my abilities as a woman and a mom and although – gods willing – we have all kinds of adventure ahead of us, I feel up to the task. I look back on that girl who never ever ever wanted kids and I’m thankful she never had them. For it was this woman who needed to have these kids. When she was ready. The timing was perfect. The universe provides exactly what we need exactly when we need it.
All these years later I wear these earrings quite often now. My kids (BOY/GIRL TWINS!) get such a kick out of them. Without any discussion, without any prompting one day a few months ago they were both on my lap and we were smiling and tickling and a big lovely mess of a pile when my boy said, “DAT ME, MAMA?” to the boy earring. “DAT BEBE” to the girl. “CUTE!”
I composed myself after flashing through the years of uncertainty and pain and loss and love gained and hurts exposed and responded, “Yup, you’re right Bub. That’s you and Bebe.” Always right next to mama.
I have worn these beauties periodically through the years and every time I think about the fact that they are a boy and girl. Clearly the same size and the same shape. TWINS MAYBE. Now, if I were someone who believed in some crazy shit, I would think, man. I was meant to have these earrings and keep them in my life even though I’ve purged everything else. I would also maybe think that I was destined to have a boy and a girl of the same size and shape and have their cute yet mischievous grins looking back at me always. Close to my cheeks smiling right back at them for the rest of our lives.
So when you find that really ugly funny yet interesting piece, let it speak to you. Hold onto it. You just never know what it might lead you to down the road. We are guaranteed absolutely nothing in this lifetime. But perhaps we are given clues. If we are paying attention.
*Also, NEVER SAY NEVER.
Related:
Into the woods – Life lessons, infertility and magic beans
To the woman at the park heartbroken with infertility
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Too Sober For This 