If you would have told me just a few short years ago that mornings, early mornings sunny mornings foggy mornings snowy mornings cold and rainy mornings – ANY MORNINGS – would be my favorite, I would have said, you must be joking.
But when you open that door in the morning. When you walk up the stairs and they see the hallway light go on before you open the door and you hear, “It’s Mama, Gah! See?” because they know you are coming? Morning quickly becomes your favorite.
That door opening is everything. There is no greater high.
The sunshine used to be something I shied away from as it was easier to live in the dark. To hide. To lick my wounds and hope for the dark to come back quickly and cover me back up in a shroud of protection.
That changed several years ago, but it’s still a tendency I fight at times. The thing is, I’m not allowed that luxury any longer because of them. They love morning.
They revel in morning. I revel in morning.
I’ve adopted this sensibility. I did it before they were born because YOU CANNOT EXPECT YOUR KIDS TO FIX YOU. Or any relationship. Chances are after you have kids, your issues are still there, only amplified and being watched now so we best get our shit together.
It’s work, this changing ourselves. This loving ourselves and our possibilities. Some days I don’t like myself all that much, but most days, I am a pretty big fan. If I’m at least trying and doing the work.
These days my heart is so huge it feels on the brink of destruction every 5 minutes. Having kids has caused me to have an unapologetic all encompassing love. For almost everybody. Everyone is somebody’s baby.
I may be insufferable but I’ve earned it and I’m not going to act like its no big whoop because it is. I’ve changed. They’ve changed me. They’ve made me work harder and strive to be better and I am thankful.
It all starts anew every good morning. As I enter their room to a chorus of cheers and “MAMA”s and say, “good morning, did you sleep well?” and I hear, “Yes, Mama.”
“What did you dream about?”
“Boo beeboops Dida boo beeboops”
“Hi mama. HI.”
“Baby hat.”
“My eyes. My nose sticky.”
There is a choice for me to act as though this is no big deal or to grab it and appreciate that these mornings are fleeting and this time is temporary and you know what I don’t give a flying fig if I don’t sleep forever. This is what it’s all about. This is why I’m here.
Good morning, my sunshines. It’s a new 24 hours and a new chance for spectacular bedhead and new play and adventures. The possibilities are endless.
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Too Sober For This 