I cry a lot these days. It’s a big ol’ hot mess of a mom-cry. My girlfriend and new mom has started using this phrase, “Momotional” and I have to say, it’s perfect. I am struck down by the awesomeness and the wonder of what being a mom has meant to my life and my sense of purpose and my overall joy of living.
But few things drive that home like when we are out at the playground or just running down the street or are in a crowd somewhere and one of my kids looks around for me. When that same kid finds my face, I get that smile of recognition. That look of complete and utter safety and protection they project when it connects. They know I am there. They know they are taken care of. They know that their person is there with them.
They then continue on their way doing their little kid stuff but every few moments they look again. And each time it happens I get tears. It is one of the single most defining moments yet in my journey as a mama. I am out in the world with these two beings and I am their mama. That searching look is like an arrow with a string and they pull me their way each time it happens. THOSE ARE MY BABIES. I am theirs and they are mine. They are outside my body now yet sometimes I wish they were back inside. I am thrilled that they are blooming and growing and exploring but there is an ache with each milestone. It is bittersweet.
When we are at home sharing the most intimate moments, I am their mom. I know that when I see their pictures all day long when I am apart from them that these are my babies. Although it’s still INCREDIBLY HARD to believe this is true, I know it. Sometimes I see a picture my Nanny sends and I just cry. I cry because they are these incredible little beings and I get to be their mom. How did I get so lucky? Sometimes I feel the need to apologize for monopolizing my Facebook feed or my conversation with stories and pictures about them, but screw all that. They are my life. I am their mom. The way I look at them is the happiest look I’ve ever seen come over my face.
But that look they give me when THEY know it? It is worth more all the pain and heartache and difficulty that pregnancy and motherhood produces. It erases the doubt. It erases the hardships. It erases the pain. It erases the breathlessness of running after them to leave in it’s place the wonderful beautiful breathlessness of one fact. By definition and by this lovely joyful ache in my heart, I am their mom.
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