There’s such a part of me that still wants to be a cool kid. I’ve always been too excited and tried a little too hard. It makes people uncomfortable. I’m a tad awkward. I am almost 40 and this still is an issue for me.
Is kindness a weakness?
Snark gets old. It’s easy. It’s much more difficult to be genuine and vulnerable. It takes people by surprise. You catch them off guard. Sometimes people are so snarky it’s impossible for them to interact. When I feel like I have to try way too hard to impress them with my snark or cleverness I get sad. AND TIRED. It’s not enjoyable and dammit I just don’t need that pressure. I’m not in high school. Snark is accessible. Kindness – with myself and others – is much harder to come by, let alone express. I just want to have a genuine conversation and sometimes it seems impossible these days. Snark is defensive. I get it. I still do it, don’t get me wrong. But I’m trying to be the person I want my children to be proud of and model.
If anything , I need to feel less. Let my heart not feel so much because it bruises too easily. It’s so soft and too vulnerable and precious. My formerly cold black dead heart was replaced by something softer after having babies. You certainly don’t have to have babies, but it is a sure way to inflict change. I can’t watch or read the same things as I used to without a pain in my heart. It’s not a new reaction to becoming a mom, but it’s MY new reaction and I’m surprised by it. There are times I wish I truly could feel less, but it would be an act. Like I used to do by protecting my heart and just putting up the wall of anger. It’s not who I am today.
I’m tired of the fighting for or against every single thing. I just want to enjoy this beautiful life and not have to fight so hard. I have let it go. That’s not weakness. To me, it’s empowering. I stopped fighting a few years ago and while to some it seems I’ve given up, to me it feels like I’m free. Part of working a 12 step program is letting go of shit. And I can honestly say after almost 12 years sober, I’m at a place where I’m able to let go and stop being so angry. I can feel other emotions besides anger and fear. That’s something to celebrate not to mourn. There’s an acronym for SOBER and it’s “son of a bitch everything’s real”.
Kindness is my form of currency these days. Some people are not ready or cannot accept that in order for your voice to be heard and respected you have to choose your battles. Wisely. If you fight against every little thing, it makes what is really important hard to find. I will fight, but when I do, it will be important. Not just fighting for the sake of fighting. This all feels really good. It’s incredibly freeing to let all that go.
Today, I choose to be kind. To not be fearful and to not be angry. TO BE KIND. I can make a choice about these things and do my best to follow through. My kids are watching. I’ve got way too much pressure now to be good and not try so hard to be a snarky cool kid. I don’t want my kids to think they have to try so hard to be cool. They just need to be whoever they are and that’s the cool way to be. My snarky friends will understand that I love them and put up with my emotional self, even if they laugh or shake their heads at me. They will understand I am the spazzy-awkward-emotional-feels-too-much-and-just-has-to-get-it-out girl.
When I jump on people today and tell them I love their guts, I mean it. Those bruises you get from me, they’re just love, baby. JUST LOVE. And the bite marks on the baby thighs? You got it. That’s just love, baby. Sometimes it hurts. But in a good way. Don’t be afraid of it. COME HERE. See? Just a little awkward.
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