It’s almost time. It’s been 5 months and I officially return to work on June 17th. This Maternity Leave has been the greatest time of my life thus far. I can say that with such certainty because even though I’m still in it, I’ve felt every single feeling in it’s entirety and it’s been so fucking amazing that I am so very sad to see it go. I’ve felt the exhausting wonderfully stressful beauty of every moment of these first 5 months of their lives as I’ve only been away from them for about 3 hours at a time and only a few times at that. To say that going back to work is going to be difficult is like saying water is wet. And my face is going to be a smear of soaked make up for days. Oh the inappropriate choke sobbing that will happen…waterproof mascara anyone?
Don’t quote me on this because I can only halfway pay attention to anything on the tv these days, but I saw a statistic on the news this morning that said nearly 40% of homes have the mom as the highest earner in families these days. Can that be right? When I was growing up, I hardly knew anyone who’s mother worked. Now I hardly know any women who don’t work. It’s a by product of “having it all” and absolutely needing this income to function in today’s world.
Even if I really wanted to stay home, I can’t. We need the money. We have two children now and we are responsible for them. That entails earning more money. AND, as a woman who values her time on her own and doing things to boost my self esteem, going out into the world to work is very valuable, in more than a monetary way. I admire women who work outside the home and I admire stay at home moms. EQUALLY. I’ve had my taste of being at home full time and it is HARD WORK. Neither option is more valuable than the other. We women work HARD no matter what we do.
My husband says he looks through all their pictures on his phone every single day at work. Sometimes a few times a day and that helps. But it’s not like being with them.
I love my job and I have the best boss in the world and I’ll get to work from home some days and shorter hours in the office and all that. I have so much to be grateful for. They PAY ME and give me insurance (DELIVERING BABIES and IN VITRO is fucking expensive, yo) to do a job I enjoy doing. They gave me so much time off for Maternity Leave and I’m still shocked each time a paycheck is deposited into my account while I’m playing with babies. I used to take advantage of employers and lie and cheat and steal their time and money through being a terrible employee. Since I’ve been sober, I work really hard for the money I get paid. I don’t take advantage and I am grateful for the time and money they give me.
We women have a hard time of things that only we understand. That desire to be home with our babies yet having to work is our cross to bear. Hopefully our kids understand and learn from how hard we work for them. Do I feel guilty for leaving them? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY. But I feel confident that we can get as much out of life as we put into it. Nobody said it was going to be easy, but we can make it work out beautifully if we really want it to and don’t let any moments pass us by. Part of it is the power of positive thinking. As much as I dread leaving them, I also look forward to the balance it will give me as a person. I remind myself that just because this is how it looks right now, doesn’t mean it’s going to be like this forever. Things change. Jobs and situations change and just like I had no idea what my life would look like a few years ago, I have no idea what my life will look like in the future.
My life is so full today. From a once incredibly small view of the world from on top of a bottle to a view of working on top of one of the tallest buildings in the world to a view on top of a stroller…..
My life pretty much rules. Gratitude abounds.
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Too Sober For This 