Hello Willis Tower My Old Friend, I’ve Come to Dance with You Again

I work in that really big tall building in Chicago.   I am a big shot  and I work for an even bigger shot .  I love my job.

The babies and I went into the office for the obligatory visit after having babies. I love to see the babies when other people bring theirs in and I hoped that most in my office would feel the same about us, and it seems they did.  There are several twins and twin parents in my office, so they understand more than most what this is all like.  IT WAS LOVELY.  I got to see my buddies Leigh Anne and Young Jonathan and of course, Boss; along with so many others that I have truly missed and the babies got passed around like hot wings at a Superbowl party.  I am not sharing the pics, as most people are not as crazy about their faces being plastered all over the place as I am, ya know?  WEIRDOS AND THEIR PRIVACY.  Pshaw.

We went to the Starbucks in the lobby and got to see all my favorite Baristas because, you know, I know everybody in the building.  BIG SHOT, HELLO.  Security was happy to see us as evidenced by the stopping of traffic to let us cross the street.  THE BABY CIRCUS IS IN TOWN.   People love babies.  I’ve worked in the Tower for almost 11 years so I’ve gotten to know a lot of people there.  It was really really great to see everybody and to be there after not being there for 3 WHOLE MONTHS.  It actually made me excited to go back to work and showed me how much I missed it.

HOWEVER, I have become that woman.  That woman who had babies and now, as much as I love my job, I’m not as excited about going back as I thought I would be.  FEEL ALL THE FEELINGS!  Even though they are conflicting and don’t change the fact that we need the money so I need to work, the feelings are all there in direct conflict with each other.  Once again, I know I am the VERY FIRST WOMAN ever in existence to feel this way.  I crave the energy and excitement of going downtown every day and being with adults instead of changing diapers and feeding and pumping continually and hearing the wailing crying and screaming, well at least not from ACTUAL BABIES – Zing!   Actually, all that stuff with the babies is pretty great.   It just is.  I’m not gonna lie.

But the adult work environment is pretty great too.  See?  Direct conflict.  You can’t have both at the same time. YOU JUST CAN’T.  Even in a dream world, I cannot bring the babies to work, nor would I want to.  As much as Boss was so cute and lovely holding my babies,  and while Young Jonathan about ran through the wall with cartooney motion swoops and sounds (think Scooby Doo) behind him when I handed him a baby he actually did OK,  nobody wants babies at work.  It is not conducive to VERY IMPORTANT ADULT BUSINESS.  I don’t even want babies at work.  That’s nonsense.  BABY NONSENSE AND SHENANIGANS HAVE NO PLACE IN AN OFFICE, She keeps reminding herself.

We live in a time where we as women get to do whatever the hell we want.  We still get paid less, but we get to do whatever a man can do.  Almost.  And it’s great.  Except if you’re like me and panic at the thought of too many choices, it’s overwhelming.  In the old days, women folk stayed home with babies.  PERIOD.  And shoot me if you like, but I kind of wish for that simplicity again.  I like shopping at small stores so I don’t have as many choices.  I will fill up a cart, look at the decisions I have to make, panic, and flee the scene,  leaving everything behind (not to mention making some poor employee have to put everything away) rather than pull the trigger and decide.  THERE ARE TOO MANY CHOICES.

So what am I saying?  I’m saying I want it all but that having it all freaks me out at the same time.  I want to be a stay at home mommy and I want to work full time in my glamorous office and feel important and like an adult and be the big shot I am without spit up on me at all times, but also have the spit up on me because I love it.  I WANT ALL THE THINGS!  And I get to have them (as long as I’m sober), I just have to figure out how it all works.  FOR ME.   I just need to find a way to balance it all as so many women better than I have done before me and will do after me, but dammit this is what I’m feeling right now and it’s ROUGH.  I get to be a person in recovery, a mommy, a worker among workers, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend.  I get to have ALL THE THINGS and I am lucky.  It will all work out.  I am so grateful I have the opportunity to be home with these little babes for the first 5 months of their lives.  That is INCREDIBLE and a once in a lifetime opportunity that I will never take for granted as I know most don’t get nearly this much time.

As I’m writing this, I’ve got an itsy bitsy gummy drooly smiler in my lap staring up at me and wondering when my next raspberry is going to hit her cheek while smiling in anticipation.   This thinking about going back to work a few days a week while leaving these two love-bugs is making me kind of sick and I’m in denial.  But that’s what I have to do.  IN JUNE.  Which means I have 2 MORE MONTHS to enjoy and live in the moment soaking all this up.  I’ve done such a good job of savoring every single second with them and want to keep doing that.  I live in the moment, I don’t do the “just wait until” nonsense.  We will get there when we get there.  I don’t want to miss a thing.

It sure was good to go back today though to lick my desk and know it’s still there just for me and know how much people missed me, especially Boss, who keeps saying how quiet it is without me.  I know there isn’t as much nonsense and laughter without me and for that I am grateful.  I have my place and I will claim it again in due time.  I get fulfillment from my job.  I need it.  It fills a space in me that nothing else can.  It’s so affirming to know I haven’t been replaced.  Not even close.

I have more in me.   I love my life.  It’s bigger and richer than I ever imagined.  Now I just need to keep up with all of it!

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And just like that, the elevator spazz dance is back on!  A little different, a little bigger and better and fuller and richer.  Photo used with Leigh Anne’s permission.  She loves this shit.  Oh, and Willis Tower, my old friend, we shall meet again soon enough.   Get ready.

 

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