My kids say last day instead of yesterday, which, as my mom says, actually makes sense since we say last night.
From the moment we are shot forth from the warm safe bellies from whence we came, we’ve had firsts and we’ve had lasts. The beauty and the sadness is that it keeps happening as long as we exist. As long as we keep feeling all these feelings.
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.
Sometimes you catch yourself having these thoughts –
I can’t remember the last time I ate uninterrupted.
I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night.
I can’t remember the last time I fit in these jeans.
I can’t remember the last time I sat alone on this couch without kids all over me.
I can’t remember the last time I went out without a backpack full of everybody else’s stuff.
I can’t remember the last time I felt this fulfilled and calm and worthy and just this all encompassing gratitude.
Last day of school.
Last day of summer.
Last day of that terrible job.
Last day being single.
Last day of crippling loneliness.
Last day of apartment living.
Last time we met.
Last time we hugged.
Last time I felt this deeply understood.
Last time I missed you.
Last time I felt my barren belly.
Last time I felt two kicks and two heartbeats protected inside me.
Last time you both had the hiccups at the same time in my belly.
Last time I breastfed.
Last time I washed bottles.
Last time I swaddled.
Last time you crawled.
Last time you drooled and spit up and the last time I used our worn out burp cloths.
Last time you called her Didi instead of Nikki and beeboop instead of car.
Last time in diapers.
Last time on the baby swings.
Last time I could carry you both easily at once.
Last time needing my help climbing the rock wall.
Last time I wiped your bottoms.
Last time I washed your hair.
Last time I had a second without someone climbing on me.
Last time I didn’t share my food.
Last time I could get away with anything.
Last time you trusted me implicitly – without hesitation or sarcasm coloring your view.
Last time we snuggle.
Last time we have an adventure.
Last time we dance party.
Last time we whisper “I love you too”.
Each day I have these thoughts of what if this is the last time? What if something happens and our whole world is rocked by something too powerful to go back? What if time passes too quickly and I don’t even notice that this is the last time?
I pay special attention to the firsts, but I also pay special attention to the lasts.
Would I have regrets? Would I need more lasts? My goal is no regrets. I’ve forgotten a lot of lasts in my pasts. But not with you. My goal is to be present for all of this now so I can say, I remember the last time…..and what a thing to be able to say. In sobriety, in life.
In this life because of sobriety, I remember the last time. I get to remember. I was there. I was present. I am here. I am present. I get to be present.
I get to let you know every second of every day just how precious you are and how loved. I get to do that.
The last time I felt this full was never. I want to bottle it up and pass it on. For the first time. For the last time.