How to use the Public Toilet with Twin Toddlers in 23 Easy Steps

People may tell you it’s harrowing to be out in public as the only adult with two littles when the urge strikes.  But it’s really not.

IT IS SUPER EASY!

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I give you the essential guide.  All you need to know about how to use the public toilet with twin toddlers in 23 easy steps!

  1. The cry rings out.  “I HAVE TO GO POTTY!”  Shots fired.  Your call to action.
  2. Determine if just one needs to go or both.
  3. Ignore number 2 (HA!) because you all three have to go in together because NO MAN LEFT BEHIND SOLDIER.
  4. Find the handicapped stall.  Check to make sure nobody is waiting for it and make sure you go quickly in case somebody does come in who needs it, but really?  WE NEED IT.
  5. Lock the door.  “We keep the door locked the whole time, right?  We all need privacy so we keep the door locked until Mama says we are all done, right?”  “OK MAMA.”
  6. NO TOUCHING NO TOUCHING NO TOUCHING ANY OF THOSE THINGS!
  7. Hands in the air like you just don’t care, HEY HO HEY HO HEY HO dance party!
  8. “WHAT’S DIS MAMA?”  “Oh that’s a little garbage can for all the”  “WHAT IS DID CANDY IN HERE?”  “Oh god that is NOT candy leave it alone.”
  9. Set one on the potty and hold onto her because DON’T WET ME FALL IN MAMA while you simultaneously keep ahold of the other one’s hand because let’s face it either the door is coming unlocked or he is touching something.
  10. Use your third arm to grab some toilet paper and wipe while the other one is swearing up and down they don’t have to go.
  11. Have a come to jesus moment with the one who swears he doesn’t have to go, “Just try bub.  Just try it.”  ” I DO NOT HAVE TO GO POTTY MAMA.”
  12. The other one is bent over pulling up her pants and peeks under the stall and belts out “WHO DAT NEXT TO US WHAT IS SHE DOING IS SHE GOING PEE PEE TOO? I WIKE HER PURSE AND SHOES. DEY ARE SO CUTE.”
  13. Laugh awkwardly and hope the nice lady next to you does too.  She usually does.
  14. “OK, now mama needs to go really fast so you two just stay right here for one second.”
  15. “Don’t unlock that door. If you unlock that door we are going right home.  Do you want to go home?  You have to give mama some privac…..OK OK hello people out there washing your hands.  Hi. Nice to see you today.”
  16. “WE SORRY WE OPENED DA DOOR MAMA.  WE SORRY.”  “It’s ok.  Just please don’t do that ok?”  “OK MAMA.”
  17. Get out there and wash all the hands and in the process of doing so spill water all over every one of you.
  18. “OK, you two go stand under the dryer and get your hands dried.  Share the dryer!  You can push it.  She can push it next.  YOU CAN BOTH PUSH IT!”
  19. Walk out of the bathroom soaking wet – how did your hair get wet? – but feeling more accomplished than you’ve ever felt in your whole gd life.
  20. As you all walk out you hear the slow claps as all the other parents and caregivers are cheering you on and you hear Rocky music in your head and HIGH FIVE to everyone!
  21. A smile on your face because it really is pretty damned cute.  “WE DID IT MAMA!  GOOD JOB EVERYBODY!”
  22. Go back out to your table or the library or  your play space or class wherever you are and just barely relax to take a drink of your coffee when……
  23. “MAMA!  I HAVE TO GO POTTY!”  Boom.  The other one.  Here we go!

Honestly, as with everything else in this gig, the more you do it, the more confident you feel.  Doesn’t mean it won’t be a hot mess, but you will care less and less.  We just get it done.  Once we master one challenge another rises to meet  us.  If we can find the humor and share with each other, it makes it a lot more fun to deal with.  MAD PROPS TO THE PARENTS AND THE CAREGIVERS!

See also:
Go with the Flow – Potty Training Twins

 

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