College is only 4 years out of our hopefully long lives, so why does it play so prominently into the rest of our lives? I mean, I’m not a sports gal, so I have no real allegiance to any team like so many of my weirdo friends do. Why does it still pop up in our heads so long after we said goodbye to college life? We were molded and shaped by those years from 18-21 in ways that we will never forget. Even if chunks were in a blackout, they were still some of the best and the worst years of our lives.
I got a degree in Acting – a BS IN ACTING in 1995. I still can’t quite believe that is an actual degree. Now, I don’t remember a lot of what I actually learned in classes throughout college, though I’m sure it’s in there somewhere. Don’t tell my parents, but the book learnin’ was not really what college was about. All that money they spent? It was worth it. Just not for the reasons you would think.
In no particular order, here are the things I learned in college:
- You will pay more for admission to a party that has a keg of Keystone Ice than you will for a party that serves Natural Light. And it will be exotic and wonderful. You are classy tonight, my friends.
- You will drive your car to class across campus in the freezing weather of January and you will illegally park it because a parking ticket only costs $5. Remember, this was 1995.
- You will party with your professors and it won’t really be all that weird. Until years later when you think, hey, that’s really not so cool.
- All returned checks (YES CHECKS) are written to Grog’s the home of the cardboard pizza but they are open til like 3 or 4am. You mostly have no memory of writing these checks.
- Tilapia is a farmed fish. Thanks Agriculture of Developing Countries 101. I’ve used that tidbit of info to regale the masses for years. I’m super fun at parties.
- Purple Passion 2 liters are fancy. I wonder why they stopped making that shit?
- Burritos as big as your head.
- You can make an 8 course feast with a microwave and a toaster and a coffee maker base.
- Cereal really is the best food. Preferably 3 or 4 kinds in the same bowl. And sneak some out of the caf if you can.
- The cookies though. Eat and steal as many as you can for nourishment all day long. So what if you gain that Freshman 15 each year.
- Getting mail is the best part of your day.
- You will cry a lot when talking to your mom and dad on the phone.
- You will still have dreams almost 20 years later of not having your schedule and having absolutely no idea where any of your classes are and even if you did know those things you wouldn’t be prepared for the test you have today.
- Typing is still your most valuable skill.
- You will live with the same four girls all four years and you will fight and argue and stop talking to each other and then realize after some time passes that we all made mistakes and nobody should be judged on what they did as a 20 year old. These girls know all your secrets and they will be a part of you forever.
- You will never wear mom jeans as well as you did in 1995.
- You will know more about your theatre classmates than you ever wanted to know. Including seeing way too many of them naked for the sake of art.
- EVERYTHING is highly dramatic, and not just in class. Especially relationships. If your relationships aren’t highly dramatic, you aren’t doing it right.
- Quarters are your most sacred form of currency. Vending machines, laundry, PLAYING QUARTERS. They can do everything!
- Your huge refillable soda and coffee cup at the gas station for a quarter (see number 19) is filled with your lifeblood.
- Never take a class before noon. If you have to, make sure it’s not on a Thursday or Friday.
- You are extremely proud of sneaking somebody in or out of your dorm after hours. You are the conqueror of the world!
- There will be that one couple who gets married while we are still in school and they live together and they might even have a baby and it will BLOW YOUR MIND.
- Learning to drink black coffee due to being too broke or lazy to go across the street to get cream is one of the best and most fulfilling life skills you’ve ever acquired.
- You can totally handle your booze.
- You will for sure no question WRITE THIS SHIT DOWN be on Broadway for the rest of your life and you for sure won’t get married and have any babies or EVER have an office job. You would just DIE if your life turned out that way. How could you ever find happiness in THAT life? WINK.
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Too Sober For This 