All my life, I’ve had this gut instinct to hide. To hibernate. Every year when Spring Forward happens it exacerbates this feeling as now it’s light out late into the evening. YIKES. More daylight equals more exposure. This is enormous pressure. It means there are more hours to do things and see people and really MAKE THE MOST OF LIFE and you know what? My gut instinct always says a big fat NO to that.
I bask in winter. I adore when it’s dark early and I can slink out of work into the cold where I can go home and curl up and not be exposed. I want to draw the blinds and pull the curtains or go to the darkest room in the place in order to hide. I am always drawn naturally into the dark rather than into the light. What is that?
It’s a big reason why I drank is what that is. To hide. To isolate. To stay in the darkness.
I choose not to numb myself anymore as I’ve been granted a daily reprieve, so I’ve had to find other ways to compensate for these feelings. I choose not to harm myself today by drinking or practicing behaviors that ultimately are no good for me. Yet, those negative feelings still crop up. Every single day. I’ve changed and grown enormously since I quit drinking, but ultimately, I am still that same person. Just with a lot of hard work thrown in and some better decision making at play.
What is that instinct that always draws me inward? It’s fear. It’s insecurity. It’s that feeling that I will never fit in. And you know what? I won’t. And I don’t even really want to. I don’t want to be one of those people sitting out at sidewalk cafes sipping wine into the night. So as usual, I fake it til I make it. The adjustment due to Daylight Savings Time wreaks havoc in all kinds of ways. When I feel fear or insecurity, and I always will, it doesn’t mean I have to act on those feelings.
I’ve had a lot of practice now with finding new behaviors. Fake it til you make it sucks. I wish I could say it doesn’t work. But it does. If I act as if, at some point it becomes reality. Or at least I don’t contribute to the negativity of the natural gut instinct I’m feeling. It’s something I’ve had to accept about myself – I’m naturally a negative, scared person. But with much work, I’m changing that. What I put out is good, solid, positive energy most of the time these days, and as a believer in karma, I’m always hopeful for it’s return.
Now that I have kids, I must admit I am a bit excited by the time change. I’m excited we will be able to walk and play outside and maybe even make bedtime a bit later. The time I get with them is so limited on work days.
Never underestimate the power of hard work and your ability to change. Natural instinct is a powerful draw to state the obvious. We are base level creatures at our core and yet, we don’t have to give in. We do not have to give in. We can fight it and practice new and different behaviors until after a while, they become more natural.
Today, I am pretty OK with the idea that we are in for more daylight. I don’t want to feel like hiding all the time and I certainly don’t want my kids to get that from me. I’m not just living and practicing for myself anymore. My actions are being watched constantly. So I will do my best to not give in to my natural instincts. I will fight against the negativity as hard as I can. If I can’t do it for myself every time, I sure as hell can try to do it for them.
These two practice new behaviors all day long. The least I can do is show up to accompany them.
The more I show up and don’t hide, the more I like myself and others. This world can be a beautiful place when drenched in the sunlight for extended periods of time.
Just saying that hurt me a little bit, but I’ll keep practicing.
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Too Sober For This 