All I Want for Christmas is to Stop Crying All the Damn Time

It’s been a wild ride, this past year.  As I think back to a year ago when I was filled to the brim with babies, not yet knowing who they were or what they would look like or HOW THE HELL WERE THEY GOING TO GET OUT OF THERE ANYWAY?  I was at my wit’s end with discomfort and sickness and worry and excitement at what was ahead.  It was a crazy time of over-reactions.  Nothing’s really changed on that front.   However, we still had our Sally Boy, our rock. 

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This was one of our last vet visits right before I popped.  I mean, he could barely fit on my lap and yet, there he wanted to be.  On my balloon belly.  Always. Even with two little kickers knocking him off.  There he would be. 

If you don’t know the Sally Boy story – please visit here.  It’s worth it, I promise. I get filled up with so much gratitude every time I think about what a gift he was and continues to be to our little family.  And yet, when I think of him, I cry, so all I want for Christmas is to stop crying all the damn time

What’s making me teary is everything.  More specifically it’s that we put up a tiny little Christmas tree last night; which by all accounts is sad looking, but in the eyes of babes and parents who are lit the frick up this year, it’s magical.   I mean, everything is making me ugly cry.  

We had to move the Sally Shrine that lives in our family room watching over us in order to put the tree up, so he’s now in our bedroom for a while. 

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Guess what?  UGLY CRYING. 

I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for what we have and where we are and all that’s ahead of us, and I’m just a blubbering mess.  It hits in the shower, it hits when I look at a picture, it hits when I see a tradition we’ve had now incorporating our babies, it hits when I talk to my little mama.  Everything takes on entirely too much meaning – I MEAN IT’S TOO DAMN MUCH. 

Jesus Mary and Josuph, how do you handle so much gratitude and love coming your way all the damn time?  Well, you cry.  You cry and you laugh because you are crying so damn much. 

The moments are many and yet fleeting.  We capture what we can and remember to put down the camera and be present.  You think, “Oh I missed it!”   But you didn’t miss it.  You witnessed.  Sometimes the best thing we can do is put the camera down and be present in the moment.

When you feel all the feelings, the good, the bad and the ugly, you laugh cry a lot.  It’s not pretty, but it’s absolutely the most beautiful fully realized reaction I am capable of having in these moments. 

The ugly?  Yeah, I converted our damn exersaucer to the play table the other night.  The cacophony of expletives that passed through my lily white lips as I converted that GD exersaucer was rivaled only by the cacophony of expletives used when I first put that GD thing together months ago.  There was crying and swearing and then laughter because of all the crying and laughing. 

Sally Boy would love what’s going on in our house these days.  Nonsense and shenanigans and love and laughter.  I wish he were here to be a part of it all, but we are comforted knowing he’s not hurting and we will again have furry family members that will add their love to the pile. 

I guess maybe crying all the damn time isn’t the WORST, really.  The worst would be not feeling all this and being joyless and ungrateful.  So I take it back. I do want to cry all the time.  Not just for Christmas, but continuing every day of the year.  Being quick to feel is one of the greatest gifts I’ve recieved. 

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