The Most Selfish Mommy in All the Land

I have a rational side.  I think.  But it hasn’t been showing itself very often lately.  Lately I feel like the most selfish mommy in all the land. The side that is showing itself is this highly protective version of myself that I don’t recognize. Now, all you moms are saying, “duh, you’re a mom now OF COURSE YOU ARE PROTECTIVE.”   I mean, I’ve always been selfish, don’t get me wrong.  It’s all about me me me and I’ve worked hard to not have it be that way all the damn time, but this is a new level of selfish that I’m struggling to accept and let go of all at the same time.

Here’s the thing though, and this will make me sound like the most petty, selfish person you have ever met.  I DO NOT LIKE TO SHARE MY BABIES.

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I said this out loud to a friend yesterday who has a baby just a little younger than mine are and I think she got it, but she was probably just humoring my irrational ass.  I feel shitty just saying that here and I know some of you will give me shit about it, but there it is.  It makes me seem ungrateful to say this.  And as we all know, gratitude is my homeboy.  I am uber grateful, but I also have this selfishness.   I like to think it stems from absolute love and that makes me feel a little less shitty about being so selfish.

I’m taking a gamble here and hoping that I’m not alone.  I tend to think all these feelings are unique to me and that no other woman has ever felt this way in the history of ever.  But that is not true and when I realize that so many other women and men are reading this, quite possibly feeling this same irrational selfishness and fierce protectiveness, it makes me want to reach out and say, “I GET IT.” Now, come over here and let’s hug for an inappropriate amount of time until I make you a little uncomfortable because I squeeze too hard and stay in there just a tad too long.

Whew.  Now that that weirdness is over with, let’s talk about this. I’m going back to work Monday and these babies will be with caregivers 3 to 4 days a week.  Excellent, warm and loving and more than capable caregivers (including their grandparents for gob sake) but they still are not me.  That’s the whole thing.  THEY ARE NOT ME.  And I am struggling.  It doesn’t mean I don’t want to go back to work on some level or that I think something terrible is going to happen with the babies away from me.  I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW.  I said this was irrational, right?  I mean, we have people begging us to take care of the babies and I can’t let go of my vice grip for 5 minutes.  CONTROL ISSUES, MUCH?

My dear sweet dumpster husband is rational.  So much so that I ask him to take on emails or tasks or “handling of ” situations and conflict that I know I will screw up with my emotional human nonsense.  I love that I’m a mess, but sometimes it exacerbates a situation so much so that no hazmat team could clean that shit up once I’ve tried to “handle it”.  We make a great team my husband and I – and we will balance each other out along with the babies, who will get a good mix of healthy emotion and rationality skills.  FINGERS CROSSED.

I need to watch a very special Sesame Street and let this shit go.   The anticipation is killing me.  Once we get going in a routine with all of this, it’s going to be fine, but right now I’m clinging so tightly to our special mommy and babies time that is ending, that my heart hurts.  The best chapter in my life to date is ending, and yet so many more chapters are still to come.  The truth is, the moment they popped out of my belly, they weren’t JUST mine anymore.  They are of the world.  And that is a good thing.  We have so many great people around us who have so much love and experience and RATIONALITY to bestow on these babies and that is a good fantastic thing.  But at the same time, I want them all to myself all the time.  I said I was selfish, right?

We can feel all the feelings, which include irrational feelings.  FEELINGS AREN’T FACTS.  Just because I feel something doesn’t mean I have to act on it.  If that were were the case, I’d be smoking and drinking right now.  Because I need something here.  Thankfully I’ve got support in all directions and people checking on me to make sure I really don’t lose my shit when I go back to work next week.

I feel like a terrible person when I think and now say out loud, “I DON’T LIKE TO SHARE MY BABIES.”  But then I think of all the other amazing women and men out there who are doing this exact same thing every day and I am PRETTY DAMN SURE I can’t be the only one feeling this.

Now, get in here and let’s hug again. It’s ok, I promise.  Why are you backing away?  Oh I am not squeezing that hard, don’t be such a baby.  Gah, BABIES!  Now I’m sobbing again. See how this is all going down lately?   I’M NOT DONE YET!  Get back here!  Now, stop touching me.

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