I don’t mind Mondays. It’s not that. I quite like Mondays. For I am a seeker of order and schedules and organization. Once Monday arrives, I am usually quite content to greet the day and get back to work.
However, the Sundays that come before the Mondays. They are the pits.
The Sunday Night Blues. It’s a real thing. I’ve read more and more about them in recent years and like many others, I suffered in silence my entire life before actually understanding what it was that was causing the sadness. The deep dark looming sadness of Sunday, and particularly Sunday night.
If you google “Sunday Blues”, you get a number of articles detailing what it is and how they can be combated. And sure, some of them help. But if you’re like me, you don’t want to fight it. You want to wallow and let it melt around you like a shawl or a warm afghan on a brisk winter night.
I’ve been waging war with the Sunday Night Blues forever. When I was a young 20 year old college student, I really didn’t get it. That was before I was diagnosed with depression or anxiety or even before they tried to diagnose me with bi-polar when I was still detoxing from alcohol. Turns out I wasn’t bi-polar, just withdrawing. Big surprise.*
Turns out alcoholism, depression and anxiety very often go hand in hand in hand. Lucky number 3! These days I’ve got my Lucky 3 in remission. That doesn’t mean I don’t work on it every day, or that it won’t ever come back. I still have depressive tendencies and have to watch it very carefully. And well, the alcoholism, we all know how that goes.
But still, all these years later, Sunday rolls around and it’s like a black cloud forming about mid-day. It used to happen before I even went to church, YES I WENT TO CHURCH a million years ago and it would hit at breakfast before I even walked out the door and last all day and night. The doom. The anxiety. The fear of what was to come on Monday. As a child/teenager/young adult it made sense. When I was at risk for being fired every day it made sense. But that’s not now. I am secure in my place in the world and I enjoy my job very much. I love my life more today than I ever thought possible.
So why do I still get so blue?
The blues are not easily explained to those who don’t get them. It’s general. It’s fleeting. It’s intangible. People with the best intentions tell you to shake it off and think of your blessings. Well we all know I do that constantly, but even that doesn’t help. It just sits there. I can’t haul my body up the stairs to shower. I can’t make something to eat. I can barely speak to anyone, and will avoid a phone call at all costs. Except for the fact that I work a 12-step program and know that I need to keep getting uncomfortable and asking for help even when I really don’t want to, I would still be sitting unshowered on the couch right now. BUT I AM NOT. I showered, ate and am now writing this shit out. Because that is what I do.
I reach out and tell people today when I’m hurting. There are many of us out here who suffer the blues. It doesn’t mean we are doomed or are in trouble or are GOING TO BREAK. It simply means we acknowledge a moment of sadness and despair that holds no rhyme or reason. We know it will pass just as surely as we know it will be back next week.
*I’ve shared a lot of links in here because I’ve written a lot about my experience with all of this stuff. I AM NO EXPERT. I am only an expert in the experience I’ve had. If you are curious about where I’ve been and are new to my blog, please click around the links in this post to see what happened. I wrote this about 3 years ago as I was weening off my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds. And believe me, it’s not easy. I didn’t even go into the “zaps” of the withdrawal, please make sure you are working closely with a doctor if you are concerned about your meds. It’s so important to get the right drug, the right dose and then if one day you are ready to quit, to do so safely with your doctor. 3 years later for me and I know I made the right decision going off them when I did. HOWEVER, if I need to go on them again at any point, I have no hesitations. If you are concerned it’s more than the Sunday Blues you are feeling, PLEASE talk to someone. NO SHAME IN ASKING FOR HELP. Reach for help. Please.
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