I am only one tiny woman for cripes sake. And while I certainly do a lot, I am no Wonder Woman. This notion of doing it all and being a super hero is not necessarily doing us any favors.
I’m already stretched way too thin (if only that would translate to my stomach) and that means I am frazzled. It’s quite possibly (ya think) the lack of sleep lately due to a certain cranky little boy baby that is making me crabby and question my capabilities, but I am at a crossroads. I am finally asking for help. It’s little and it quite frequently comes out as nagging, I ‘m sure, if you were to ask my dear sweet dumpster husband, but I am asking for help.
This ties into the notion of it taking a village to raise a child. During the day at work I am asking for help and at home I am asking for help and with other alcoholics and their families I am asking for help. I want to do everything and help everyone but I simply cannot do it all. And on some level this makes me feel like a failure.
Now I know rationally that I am not a failure. I am far from a failure, and yet, my Virgo nature tells me things need to be in their proper place at all times and extremely organized – mostly in my head – or else I will be in bed stressing about the one burp cloth that needed to be washed and I should have put that away with the rest of the laundry but now it’s all on it’s own and it’s GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING! And what about that woman who emailed me at 3 in the morning and was going to her first AA meeting – I need to check on her. If she doesn’t hear from me, how will she possibly go on? And that executive I need to arrange a car for, does he need a hotel too?
There comes a point where your better judgment starts to fail you. You start making bad decisions that will only hurt you. Where you realize you are doing too much and trying to make everything the way you want it and CONTROL ISSUES MUCH? Sounds an awful lot like alcoholic behavior to me. And you know what alcoholic behavior leads to? ALCOHOL. I drank to escape my feelings. To escape myself because life was too damn overwhelming. NOT ANYMORE. I feel all the feelings. And I can handle feeling them all by not losing my shit and by asking for help. By saying this is all too much and I cannot do it all.
I always preach that I need to take care of myself first and then others. So why is that so difficult to do at times? Again, I use the oxygen mask analogy – you have to save yourself first. So I go to a meeting and talk with people who get me. And I feel better. Amazing how that works.
I’ve said to my husband, MORE THAN ONCE, my whole life is preparing and then cleaning up. My day job is all prep and clean up – I prep everything and get people where they need to go and arrange everything. It feeds my Virgo nature perfectly. And I’m good at it.
With babies there is prep for everything and there is so much clean up. And if you’re not really careful, you miss the in between parts. The smiles. The laughter. The snuggles. The eating! The clapping and bouncing, oh my gods it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life, the clapping and the bouncing. These in between parts are the reason we all do this and what makes having a family the best thing in the world. I am so grateful to be in this family and I won’t do anything to risk it. In fact, I will say, “I GIVE” in order to keep it. This notion of being Wonder Woman is over-rated. I am not Wonder Woman, I am just a woman who has an extremely full life, who cannot do it all on my own. Having help makes me better and allows me to savor the good stuff. I get to enjoy more of every moment when I ask for help.
I finally have this life beyond my wildest dreams and now I’m complaining? Hear what I’m saying. I’m saying BECAUSE I have this life beyond my wildest dreams that I need to tread ever so lightly not to screw it up. Asking for help will save me. It will allow me to savor the in between parts. The cream. The sweet sweet filling in this sponge cake we call life.
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